i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
