Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
