I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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