Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
