Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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