I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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