I wish you could order shots online.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
