you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
