I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
