so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
