Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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