here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
