I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
