Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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