I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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