It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
