I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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