People in love make me want to vomit
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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