Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
