New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
