Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
