Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
