My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
