I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
