I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
try to milk me bitch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
