the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
