after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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