so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
