after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
