you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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