what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
