Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
