Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
