Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Can I color on your dick again?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
