I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
