I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
