I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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