he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
