so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
