I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
