I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
