You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
where are my eyebrows?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
