wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
