First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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