So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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