So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
