Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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