He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
