I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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