Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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